What would you do if Army Officers in class As came knockin?

As an army wife of a deployed soldier in a very violent country, I must expect the worst. Even though deep in my heart I don't believe anything will happen to him, the logical side of me tells me I must not picture fields of sunflowers & sunshine all the time. I remember once before DH deployed to Iraq in 08, we were talking about the possibilities of death..I asked him how he would make his presence known in the afterlife, he said he would blow gently into my ear every time he was near..I smiled..it was a bit comforting to know he would always be around even if he left, although I did warn him if he ever tried to haunt me or the girls in a scary way I'd exorcist him back to Iraq lol of course he made it home from Iraq..now he's in Afghanistan. Lately the news concerning the casualties of the men KIA is unsettling with me. I don't even know how to handle all of this. I remember a friend asking another army wife what she would do if the men in class A's showed up at her door? she said she would run. I remember seeing all the sad tribute videos on youtube, heartfelt songs along with heart breaking pictures of widows & kids..I wonder..will that be me? what would I do if I saw men in class A's walking up to my door? he always said to expect the worst & hope for the best..it's way easier said than done. I remember thinking if he ever left me & the girls I would never forgive him, he knows he has a family to take care of..but as a soldier, they all do. Every soldier fallen had someone to come back to, they all had stuff to take care of, in a time of war nothing is certain not even life. So what would I do if an officer came up to my doorstep? I hope I never find out. G'nite..Peace & Love

potty training success = proud mama!

my lil mady finally is potty trained, 3rd day today & so far no accidents today!!! (the first day she had 3, one in the post office..oops) so i baked her a potty cake lol with all her faves chocolate & sprinkles!! so proud of her, wish her daddy could have seen her. (oh & melody got her first ever sunglasses! $1 from target cool dude!) :) peace & love.

life decisions over the phone!

having your partner away makes it hard to plan together, having them away for a whole year, thats another story. this year 2010 in Nov was suppose to be our last as a military family, but my husband extended another year so that he could join his unit as they deploy to afghan, he had been training with them so what the hell then, we're still faced with the decision whether to stay in or leave, i know for a fact he's tired of the army life, being away from his kids for a long time & he isnt the only one, I too have had it with him being away all the time & feeling like I'm a single parent & having him gone almost all our married life..its just not for us. the one thing i absolutely hate is that we have to make these decisions & plans over the phone whenever he can get time to, i think these decisions need to be face to face & more personal than a phone call..but military families have been doing this for decades if not centuries! the army has been good with providing us with healthcare & other benefits but at some point we have to realise the army isnt the only one that can provide & that our family will always comes first & that means growing, living, learning & building together. yeah i'll admit there are times when im thankful he's a thousand miles away from me but that doesnt compare to the days I dont or the days when mady wants to see her daddy. once we get out, I expect its going to be a struggle but Im hopeful we will get through & look back at our military days as an experience that taught us the value of love, life & the strength of a family

when fear takes over

..just read an article about a soldier from Ft Carson killed in Afghanistan 2 days ago & he was deployed for less than a month! every time i hear or read about someone dying out there, I always question, why? ..my religious beliefs always tell me never to question gods plan..but my human side tells me, try to find answers! this kind of news hits very close to home because i fear for the life of my husband over there, and it just makes me realise anything can happen to anyone at any time..and I'm not ready for that to happen to us, i don't think anyone is ever ready. you know sometimes i pray & i hope, just let there be peace, please god help us all live in peace, enough with the bloodshed..I hurt for the families who lost their loved ones, esp for the kids, yes your daddy/mummy died fighting but I don't think that it makes it any better because truth of the matter is that they're gone. It hurts every time I think that my girls could loose their daddy, its not fair for them..its not fair for me, that's why when I hear about a soldier dying, i don't pray, I beg & plead, dear lord not him, not now, not ever. we still need him & every morning when I get a call or email from mark I know god has heard me. Peace & Love..please.

"smile whats the use in crying" Glee

wow 4weeks ago my soldier left, 11 left now! :) been a crazy 4wks but we're still here surviving, that's the most important thing, one can imagine the stress & shit you have to deal with during deployments..I don't really wanna get into it tho..all i can say is we've passed the 1 day mark, the 1 week mark now its the 1 month mark..times a rollin, it'll be a while til we get to the 1 yr mark but for sure we're getting there! ..btw i just changed my playlist to a bunch of GLEE songs..i LOVE that show! I wish they sang at my wedding (wait what wedding lol) been a bit behind with this season but I'm looking forward to catching up..some of the things that keeps me smiling. I was talking to him a bit earlier on, getting another box ready to be sent, this time full of hygiene stuff, lotion, shower gel, toothpaste, foot powder etc etc, next week then I will send another of his fave snacks..hopefully it'll last cause we will be going to Cali & wont be back till early Oct..btw i HATE flying! can someone invent teleportation already?!! esp with 2 kids! fml! lol but it'll be nice to see the bay again altho I'm one of those people who loves their own bed, I can be away then I'll be desperately wanting to sleep in my bed in my home & not living out of a suitcase..I'm sure a lot of people feel that way..anyways I'm getting carried away dancing to my playlist I cant keep my thoughts focused to write this blog entry,,guess I gotta leave it at that then, happy dancing bloggers. Peace & Love!

that damn show!!!

..just a quick note, as i had left off in the previous entry..the husband did come around, everythings back to where it was..not perfect but not horrible. like they say love prevails (or was it goodness prevails..ahh whatever same difference)

...so anyway, that dam show, ARMY WIVES!!! tonight was the season finale, I'll admit I'm not the army wife that follows that show & have coffee the next morning with the other wives talking about 'OMG did u see what he did' etc etc etc..I've probably watched only 3 or 4 episodes & am completely clueless when I'm asked about it & sometimes i get that raised eyebrow look like 'how can u NOT watch that show?!!'..ahh simple i am an army wife, do you like watching portrayals of what your life is about..maybe i should love myself more? lol but since I don't want to be behind the crowd, I did ask another wife for her DVDs of the previous seasons, she has em all! no surprise lol ..i know I'm not the only one they're all out there!..so why i don't like watching the show? because its dam painful, i mean civilian wives can watch & be like 'aww that's so sad' I'll watch & be like 'WTF my husband needs to come back!!!" its just painful to watch the what ifs & what wills esp when my husband is actually deployed..you know the scenes they play makes u think 'shit that better not happen to me! and it brings out all these emotions as if what happens on TV will happen to you..& I think about the wives & families who lost their loved ones that has to take a huge toll on them, i know it would on myself..but they do have those awesome scenes like homecoming or being saved from the bad guys that makes you want to jump & shout 'HOOAH!' even that brings tears because then we think..hey in a couple of months that's going to be me & my kids welcoming back our soldier..and unless you've had a loved one deployed there is no words to describe the feeling of that day, its like the best orgasm EVER! (that literally happens too a bit later on, wink! wink!) lol ..don't get me wrong, I am not hating on that show, I know once i start watching them from the beginning, I'll be a yellow ribbon wearing flag waving army wife by the end of it lol, they just portray a lot of scenes so many of us can relate to it brings out a lot of emotion, a lot of sadness, a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety & of course a lot of hope & happiness! Peace & Love!

changes

couple of days have been ROUGH! you have no idea..yesterday i was taken to the hospital (my first ever ride in an ambulance) for major bleeding! it was horrible, it really looked like a scene out of a horror movie..i had started bleeding heavily at home so i called my friend over to take me to the hospital, by the time she arrived i was passed out & unconscious. so she calls 911, the medics arrive & rush me to the ER, after almost 8hrs there i finally learn I had been 12wks pregnant & I just had a miscarriage (WHAT!!!) first of all 12weeks! i should have known rite? but i was on the depo shot so I had no idea that could ever happen to me, i mean they say all birth control is never 100% but u never expect to be part of the 2% or whatever that gets pregnant on it..I was just shocked, I cant even explain or start to, I wouldnt know what to say..how was i going to tell the husband..well he eventually found out & hes pretty pissed..so right now we're on the verge if not on already to a divorce. The one person I expected sympathy & support from was blaming me for the death saying I killed the baby or fetus & everything is my fault..I cant even comprehend what kind of person would even say that to another person, Im glad the doctor got to me before he did, I just had a baby in April, my body was not ready for another one so soon & unfortunately the pregnancy didnt develop properly thus resulting in the miscarriage. I do believe this was not my fault, despite my husband saying it was..he wasn't here he did not see the pain & stress I went through & all he could do was blame me. Right now i believe he's anger is getting the best of him, it always does, he doesnt think straight, does irrational stuff & of course plans to leave me..at this moment that i something he has to deal with..I've had so much on my plate that I cant even think straight, i need to allow myself to regroup & possibly figure out the next step in my life, i have major changes coming my way & i need all the strength & help i can get to walk away when all is done, so many people have told me its going to be hard esp since there is children involved so im trying very hard to gather up my strength to face whatever the future holds for me & my girls. goodnite world. peace & love (always ..no matter what)

daddy dolls

I came across a friend on twitter whose husband also deployed, she just got her son a "daddy doll" i was thinkin this is a great idea! so far every ph call from mark, mady refuses to talk to him, makes me want to cry becoz i know she really misses him & shes trying to let him know shes upset by not wanting to talk to him. last deployment she was too young so it was easier, now she realises he's gone & its been a while since shes seen him & well the phone calls wont do it for her. I can't wait till he comes back for r&r, just so that she can see him again, even if only for a while, sometimes he skypes but shes just too busy being a kid she hardly comes on to say hi, she might just say bye & wander off again. i keep thinkin shes trying to punish him but in reality shes just being a kid, he hasnt been home to give her any attention or anything so shes doing the same to him. i hope she doesnt think its normal that daddys gone, i hope somewhere in her little head shes thinking about when he will be back & I hope that she, just like me, is looking forward to that day, its a long road ahead but we're gonna get through it, we always do. anyways back to the daddy dolls, its basically like a pillow with a picture of their daddy on the front, ive seen so many pics on the website of kids holding daddy dolls & almost all of them are military families. the dolls run around $24 for the standard 12" size doll. im going to ask mark to send me a pic asap so i can get one for mady, im sure she will be thrilled to have a daddy doll! hopefuly it will give her a sense of security & just the feeling that her daddy still loves her A LOT & he misses her. hopefuly it makes her feel a bit closer to her daddy even though he is miles away & to let her know even if he's away he will always be with her no matter what. goodnite blogworld, Peace & Love!

daddy dolls here ---> http://www.hugahero.com

tea anyone?

...so I was just browsing the net, one site led to another then to another until I came upon these delicious coconut choc chip muffins..I just had to make them! so like a crazy pregnant lady with cravings (which i am not fyi) i came down brought out all the ingredients (which i suprisingly had) & whipped up a batch! now im enjoyin the fruits of my labor..but i have to say it needs to be paired with milk or tea coz after u eat them my tongue feels a bit dry..or maybe because its been hot as hell and i havent been hydrating..ahh either way, you have to try these one day! Peace & Love!

RECIPE : http://coconutlime.blogspot.com/2007/04/chocolate-chip-coconut-cupcakes.html

the lazy blogger

thats me! i have in the past made a couple of blogs & ended up being too lazy to blog even tho once in a while id have something i'd really like to share but the thought of signing in & clickin on all these buttons & links etc, etc jus makes it easier to say..ahh no maybe next time. so far well ive had more blog entries than i ever had, & im suprised im bloggin rite now lol in a nutshell since my last entry, we've been hangin out at home, went to my first FRG meeting, i have a cold, my nose has been running like a river, girls are doing great, me & the husband not so much, i finally figured how to dwnload videos onto the ipod from youtube, yay me, been working on debt consolidation letters, ...uhh..wat else...gosh cant think of anything rite now, oh yea im back to green tea yeehaw! lol basically we've been just living our lives! i can't wait to get an elliptical so i can start workin out at home, since i also cancelled our gym membership coz we werent using it anyway & well $ doesnt grow on trees esp for us..but im hoping to find a decent working one on craigslist..exercise has always made me feel better, i get so much more energy, i sleep better i wake up better..well everythings better, plus when the snow season starts theres no way im goin out of the house, i frikin hate the snow! anyways im gonna hit the sack now, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Peace & Love.

the 'f' word

..Finance!!! doh! lol. Im going to tell you guys straight up, I don't think for one second the military pays their servicemen & women enough! They send them to go do dangerous work without the promise of making it back alive & they pay them dogsballs for it! Yeah yeah they provide healthcare & other services for free but they should! Its not like my ranting about it will do anything, I know that much, but Im just sayin for the love of higher beings pay them their dues, no amount of free healthcare & stuff can account for the years sacrificed away from their family or missing out on important life milestones or even worse coming back in a box to a devastated widow, unborn child & fatherless children! Im sitting right now trying to work out a budget & at least find a way to save money this deployment. Dealing with finance just makes my head frikin sore like I start to get high blood pressure & stressed & probably just want to strangle whoever came up with this whole american credit score system (yes FUCK YOU credit report inventor! Your fuckin system is so frikin unfair & just ridiculous!) I wont get into much details but all I can say is that its so easy for someone to steal your identity & ruin your credit in a day but it takes forever to try and clean it up, even when you're innocent like WTF! but that is our goal this deployment, clean it up, fuck with the creditors for once & start building again..soooo ready to start new & fresh! and just a lil advice to anyone just starting out..take care of your finance, coz it'll mess u up bad once it gets the chance, and for the others who have already gone down the path..dont give up, take it slowly, & give them hell!!!! yezzir! Peace & Love ya'll!

MilSpouse Friday fill in #6!

I was browsing through a couple of military wife blogs & came across this one @ http://wifeofasailor.com/ She basically puts up 5 questions & then other mil spouses can fill em up on their blogs so they can learn more about each other! sounds fun!

1. What is your spouse's best feature? Uhhh, I like his face! :)
2. Mild, Medium or Hot sauce? medium depending on my mood, usually i'd go without any..I dont even use sauce..wait what does ketchup go under? lol
3. What is the worst uniform you had to wear for a job? none so far, my only job I had I was a nanny & I wore jeans & T-shirts, best job ever!
4. You have invisible powers..where is the first place you would go? good one! If I had invisiblity powers, right now Id go to where my husband is at, I just wanna see him again (& not get in trouble with Uncle Sam)
5. What's left on your "To do list" for this summer? ohhh mannn! I tell you what's left on my "to do list" too much! :P

(hehehe lookin forward to the nxt friday fil in!)

Madyson is 3!!!

My lil pumpkin isn't little anymore :( she's not my infant, or toddler now she's a lil girl, our big lil girl. It sometimes is sad to see them grow sooo fast right before your eyes it just makes you think, where did the time go to? so much has happened in between those 3 yrs, so many memories made. this morning i was watching old videos on youtube from when mady was a few months old, just a lil baby cooing away, then her first steps then her playing, etc..Im so glad I got those on video & thank god for youtube!!! mady was watchin with me & the ones of her as a baby she kept saying that it was melody lol I look at her now & shes just so big! she talks to me, sometimes we have conversations about how she looks or how something works & of course the funny ones of her just being very diva-ish & talkin back & tryin to get her own way..you know I think even though shes growing up fast & shes doing a lot more, there still is a whole lot more of her life left to learn with her, make more memories with her & help her grow, thats the fun part I guess, anticipating how this lil girl will do in the big world, whether we did everything we could as parents to make sure she lives a better future & a happy one. Because at the end of the day, even if we won the lottery or got evicted out into the streets, just making sure we made our kids happy will in return probably be the most satisfying feeling you can have as a parent. Happy Birthday my pumpkin, you brought so much joy into our lives & for every time you make us smile & laugh! love you always moma & daddy! (& mel!)

Peace & Love!

he called!

got our first phone call from mark! yay! :) tho he had to call 3 times cause apparently our phone calls were getting intercepted or some shit like that, so he couldn't tell me much over the phone except that he's doing ok so far, trying to stay away from the *PX so he wouldn't spend so much on stupid stuff & that the place smells like shit (so far all our conversations since he's been there, the smell has been mentioned every single time, so, Im assuming the smell is def a huge issue!) they will be leaving tho, I don't know when or where but they will. It was really nice to hear from him, anytime he is away it's always nice to hear from him, even if it's for 5 mins. You know sometimes I just want to let everyone know whats going on, what he's doin but I'm afraid some army swat team might just bust into the house & take me to jail for *OPSEC stuff, I sometimes wonder if I should say his name! lol, No, I don't know anything that would get me in trouble for just knowing, my husband doesn't tell & I'm glad he doesn't..I mean hello! Wikileaks scandal! hahaha..(its not funny tho, that army *SPC who leaked out all those military files should be on death row! how dare he put our soldiers & their allies at risk!) ...sheesh anywaysss...I'm goin to bed. lol.
Peace & Love!!

*PX : Post Exchange - military mall, you can find almost everything there, salon, barbershop, food court, clothing, household, electronics, etc, etc, etc,..all tax free!

*OPSEC : Operations Security - critical info that may be useful to the enemy..so keep your trap shut or Uncle Sam will be very mad with you!

*SPC : Specialist - Enlisted soldiers rank in the army, E-4, the last bitch rank before or if you become an NCO (Non Commissioned Officer)

Its been 1 week!

1 week ago, we were on post saying goodbye to him, and it seems like he's been gone FO-EVAH! but we've been surviving (both us & him) I can tell you he's finally in Afghan, not exactly where they are supposed to be based at but they're in the country, and so far he's said Afghan smells like shit! lol like literally smells like shit! poor guy ay. He hasn't kept in touch much since he arrived there, their internet is terribly slow & they're only given 30mins so with all that we hardly get to talk or skype at all but its ok though, as long as I know he is alive & kickin that's enough for me & my girls. Myself & the girls have been tryin to keep busy, today we spent the whole afternoon at Itz buffet & game place, kids had a blast & we stuffed ourselves up gooood! lol..& if you're a regular visitor 2 my blog you will notice little changes here & there & I hope you're jammin out to my playlist! Flo-ridas song 'club cant handle me' totally reminds me of mark, not in a sad way, it make me smile cause as soon as I hear it, I automatically picture him fist pumping & dancing away! lol I also have a friend whose husband also deployed with mark & we've been doing a lot of activities together with the kids & it really is nice to have someone else in the same situation this time around, it's def easier to talk to them about deployment & army stuff esp when you don't have to explain army lingo plus the kids have playdates! I'm just thinking ok, that's 1 wk down, 51 left, is that a lot? It doesn't look like but I know it feels like! some wives I heard count by paydays, but that doubles the numbers so no thanks I'll stick to 51 wks or 11.something months! anyways today was fun for the kids, Mady randomnly asks for her dad, & usually answers her own question by sayin 'Daddys gone now'..it really is heartbreaking but to see her face when he comes home! PRICELESS!

Peace & Love!!