when he comes home

(our recent discussion on the phone)

when he comes home..

I'm goin to drop off the car at the airport..or he can catch a cab (maybe cab is better)
we'll wait at home, kids will have no idea he's coming
there will be a big box waiting outside with a bow attached already
he will then come in & place himself in the box
and let me know when to bring out the kids
(note to self: make a door latch thingi on side of box)
kids will come out, see a huge box with a bow & begin to open it

and then....

that will be one of the happiest days of our lives!

Peace & Love!

different day same shit

its me again..been MIA for a while, does it really matter tho? :)

So its about 0230hrs & I'm wide awake..thanks to the hubby. every now & then we'll have lil arguments, over some of the smallest shit lol, why is it funny? well, becoz its kinda getting old, its come to the point where I'm not even upset about it anymore, its like now I'm just like OK see you later (well not literally). he text's me to get online so we can chat, 5 mins later he's blowing up becoz I'm just asking a few questions. He has no patience & every time he's deployed, i find it doesn't take much for him to loose it. That is another thing I hate about deployments, my husband is surrounded by men & all that constant interaction with them & the way they talk around each other, how they deal with each other, he tends to do the same with us sometimes..and I have told him countless times not to treat us the way he treats his work mates but I know its hard especially when he's around them for a whole year. So as an army wife I do what most other army wives do..just deal..(for now).

Anyways I started volunteering on post at our ACS (Army Community Service) office. The kids get to stay in the childcare in the same building, which is one of the benefits of working with them, I don't have to pay for care as long as I'm in the building. Met new friends, learning a few new things, mostly clerical work & all that boring office stuff..but I've been learning a lot about the post & a lot of the services offered and also a lot more about the army, much more than I would have learnt on my own. So many info out there but because I didn't know where to look & now that I get to interact with people working close with what happens on post I've learnt much more. I'm glad I get to do something & my kids get to interact with kids & also I get certified experience & of course if I go look for a job I now have a credible reference. which explains why I been lagging on my blog..I been kinda 'busy' lol

I did have time to update my music library & I'm so impressed with Rihanna's new album LOUD & Nicky Minaj's PINK FRIDAY & also Lil Wayne's I'M NOT A HUMAN BEING. Andddd did you see Gwyneth Paltrow on GLEE? I LOVED her version of Cee-Los song!

ehh..its almost 0300hrs, i better get to bed, i got to get up & feed kids screaming for milk! ;) G'nite/G'morning blogosphere!

PEACE & LOVE!!

one line thoughts

• I miss my husband... :'(
• I'm working next week..for free..volunteering on post
• I feel bad for laggin on my elliptical
• I still miss my husband
• I got a cocktail shaker! yay
• I'm going to bed now lol

Peace & Love!!!

teen mom

..so today after all my running around & sorting out stuff I managed to squeeze in some 'teen mom' on comcast demand..& i gotta give props to those girls, yeah sometimes you wanna slap the shit outta them & scream at the TV like they going to hear ya but i do understand how much they are going through, & even though I'm not in most of their situations (uhh Amber wth?!) I can definitely agree that being a mom, esp a teen mom isn't easy at all..

I gave birth to my first child when I was 19. I did finish high sch. I met a guy, we started hanging out, one thing led to another & we had a child together. At that time, I was working, I had my own place, own car, i had a lot of freedom & a lot of responsibilities! Every wknd I was out partying all over the place, meeting new & old friends & having a blast. so when I found out I was pregnant..it was just shock & disbelief, like how did I let that happen?

I wouldn't say I was a wild child, my family knew I loved to party & have fun, but they also believed I was very responsible & getting pregnant was probably not what they thought about me doing. I was scared to let them know because I knew they would be so disappointed with me & I never wanted to disappoint anyone even if it hurt me.

With all the drama that came with being pregnant, it all changed the minute Madyson came into our lives. suddenly all was put aside & we all came together to witness the miracle of childbirth & the joy of a new family member (esp a cute lil fam member!) then somehow you realise, we always tend to sweat the small stuff & never think to enjoy the bigger better things in life. All the tears shed, heartache & anger never was worth it because it never did matter in the end.

One afternoon, we were all sitting around at home just playing with Mady, while she was entertaining us with her baby antics & we were laughing at some new trick she had learned. My Aunt then said "children bring so much joy into our lives, if Mady was not here, we would not be sitting here laughing & smiling away" she was so right! If I could picture that exact moment without Mady, we would not be laughing..probably just siting watching TV..just to think of how much she added to our lives, laughter, happiness etc..priceless, simply priceless!

Peace & Love!!

feel the cold coming

it is the end of Oct already, which means pumpkins & Halloween stuff everywhere & rain & cold & of course the sickness season starts. I've been with my girls trying to sort out stuff from schools for both me & my daughter, childcare registrations, medical appointments, stuff to do with the car, debt consolidation & the usual homemaker stuff. I need a frikin holiday from this so called holiday. Halloween costumes have been bought, Mady is princess belle & melody is a butterfly. Madyson has recently gotten into the 'princess' phase, everything she wants has to be princess approved..i honestly thought she was going to be a tom-boy but she has a lil pink in her all along! Melody I'm still waiting for her teeth to pop out..shes 6months now & she has been introduced to cereal & baby food (loves her food except for peas..just like her momma lol) oh & husband has been..uh..the same? nothing much changes for him out there, just trying to survive & get his tour over with. we have been talking a lot about what happens when he gets back & when times comes for him to get out, which is roughly in about a year from now. plans are sort of in the planning process i guess, nothing pretty solid but the direction we would like to take is pretty clear although we have to wait & see, that's the beauty of the military, you always have to wait & see, cause anything can happen at a moments notice & pretty much can change everything. its been three months since hes been away, which is exactly how old my blog is, cool huh..not lol. after Halloween gets done its just thanksgiving then Xmas then hello 2011, super surreal how time flies! and me & my girls will be here in Colorado for yet another snow season..man I'm sooo not looking forward to that! I'm going to be indoors all the time coz i hate driving in the snow esp with all the crazy drivers out here! i guess we'll have to survive as well on our end of the world. we'll be OK, we'll always be OK, you have to always look at everything as half full (or is it half empty?) who cares! live like its the end of the world (uhh 2012? iaaa) such a random blog entry..ah yeah random blog ahh yeah *pauly D voice* lol

Peace & Love!!!

hello again!

I definitely been avoiding my blog for a while now, not good rita!! sometimes when you take a leave of absense, you tend to overstay in my case over-leave (dunno if that makes sense, if you got it, good job guyy!)..so since my last blog..

we're back home, san francisco was ok, was rather hectic & as soon as we reached home, for the first time it was just me & my 2 girls, no MIL, no friends, no family & more so, no husband :( its been almost 3mnths now, wow, time sure did fly (a little) we're ok, just takin each day as it comes & just hanging in there..havin the husband not being able to call for a week while they're out doin missions where there isnt any phones is def hard, in Iraq we were very fortunate to be able to communicate every day..but as every week goes by we're finding out more & more that Afghanistan is very different compared to Iraq..it sucks but what ya gonna do?

whenever hes away on missions, i find myself not sleeping well, the anxiety sometimes is too much & I have super weird dreams! yeah, i did have a dream where he was injured & we had to go see him, i think i woke up with tears..also had a dream about some weird competition i won..lol. Im not the person who believes dreams carry psychic messages, i just think we tend to dream about stuff we think about during the day, maybe things that the mind knows we worry about..i dunno. I always forget half the stuff i dream about but sometimes in my sleeping/dreaming state im thinkin to myself, dam this dream is so interesting lol i wish i could remember every detail of my dreams..why do we forget what happened?

anyways enough about the dreams, I hope you all have been well & happy. tonite, as you go to bed please say a lil prayer for our troops & have fun dreaming!

Peace & Love!

San Francisco Bound

I've finally finished with packing, clothes, shoes, IDs, chargers, baby bottles, diapers etc lol I will be gone for a few weeks so my blog may be at a standstill unless I get the chance to post from there..who cares, i don't have a lot of anxious readers waiting for me to post anything anyways lol I don't mind though, I like to blog because it feels like I'm kinda writing a journal & just getting stuff out, esp now that my husband is gone & my lil munchkins would be bored to death with my ramblings..honestly though I like to read my own blog, I like to look back & reminisce about everything that's happened so far, I'm sure other bloggers do too :)

SO anyways SAN FRANCISCO! city by the bay! My mother in law is still with us so I'll be taking her sightseeing around the bay, we'll go see the golden gate bridge, fisherman's wharf (clam chowder in sourdough bread bowl uh yessss!) of course the city, Chinatown (pork buns hehehe) crooked st, ocean beach, & some other places. I really love the vibrancy of the place, so many interesting things to see & do. I think SF is a place rich with culture & heritage & def a lot of personality!

I also hold SF dear to me because that is where I met my husband :) we were friends hanging out & one thing led to another, now we have 2 beautiful girls! I def remember all the places we used to go hang out by ourselves when we were dating, the city offered so many lovely places to enjoy each others company. I remember we used to drive up to this look out point some mornings, with breakfast from McDonald's & have breakfast together while looking out to the city, so beautiful out there..it made it feel great to be in love..good times.

I do believe once our army life is over we will be moving back to the bay. Most of our families & friends live there & despite the high cost of living, SF is a great place to raise a family. I just can't wait to get me some of that clam chowder! hehehe G'nite. Peace & Love!

Fiji..where we call HOME

My husband & I have been living in the USA for almost 5 years now, we've come to accept this country as our home but where we came from, Fiji, will always be our true home. When people ask me where I come from & as I reply Fiji, the common response I get is; Where is that? or Fiji? as in Fiji water? lol First of all, Fiji is a little south pacific island nation & yes that's where Fiji water comes from.I loved growing up in the islands, the environment, the people, the weather, the culture, the FOOD! oh how i miss the food :) Fiji is a multicultural country, with the population mostly created up of the indigenous Fijians (which I am a part of) & the Indo-Fijians (Indians who were brought over from India ages ago as labourers). There are also Asians, Pacific Islanders, Americans etc etc etc. Fiji was once under British rule, thus the union jack on the flag but is now an independent country, & the common language spoken is English.

I just miss the relaxing vibe of the islands & the beauty of the people & place & I sure do miss a nice warm beach to swim in! If you're ever planning a holiday soon, try FIJI, flights fly out of LAX on Air Pacific every week & there are numerous hotels to stay, budget friendly like Skylodge, to the more pricey like the Sheraton Fiji or Hilton & don't forget to take a cruise, Beachcomber is a popular one! (oh lawd I'm dreaming of a vacation now!) Soon hopefully, once the girls get a bit older, we'll be able to have $ saved up for a nice family vacation ..sunshine,cocktails on the beach,family & friends..ahh..I can already see it :)

I AM a DEPLOYMENT SURVIVOR

Browsing through the MIL spouse blogs, I came across this entry at goodnight moons blog.
So it is a bunch of other mil spouse bloggers sharing their thoughts about being a deployment survivor, the good & the bad! once you follow the link be sure to read the others blogs as well linked to her blog entry..read the awesomeness of Mil Wives & the un-awesomeness of deployments!

MY STORY
My husband is currently on his second tour overseas, first time he deployed to Iraq, & this time to Afghanistan. Deployments are definitely the hardest times of our lives together. We try so hard to keep our marriage together, there has been times where we were ready to throw in the towel & just call it quits but we always sought out the strength to keep carrying on & every good day that goes by, we are both grateful that we still have our family, we still have each other to get through the bad days.

Every Mil wife, knows we have to be strong to be able to survive, we made that commitment the moment we said "I Do" but we all know the pain of those lonely nites, crying & missing your other half..and not forgetting worried for their lives that when you don't get a call, stomachs start to turn a little, head starts to sweat & just panic sometimes engulfs you to almost insanity!

I look at our 2 girls & I thank god for them, I know my husband misses them tons as well, during deployments my kids have been such heaven sent! even with all the tantrums & meltdowns they keep me from constantly going to that dark place where you just want to crawl up in a ball & shut the world out, they keep me occupied & I love to share those little moments with them & of course I wish their daddy was here to see them, thank god for YouTube! :)

Deployments never get easy, doesn't matter if its your first or tenth, I read all these Mil blogs & sometimes the posts relate so much to me that I think hey you know I'm not the only one & I definitely won't be the last. I realise how much we sacrifice for our families, for our husbands & I appreciate myself much more because I am a Deployment Survivor & I will always be, for my kids & for the man I love, no matter what!

Peace & Love!!!

Religion & War

I hope the pastor in Florida, Terry Jones, seriously thinks & prays over his intending actions. My husband along with thousands of other soldiers are out there fighting the war against the Taliban, they do not need some Church's help to prove any point! one man & his flock of 50 people against the whole world!! First of all, does he preach Christianity? because I'm pretty sure his intentions are not teachings of the holy bible. OK yeah some Muslims have done harm to Americans & other nationals but does that make him any different? He as a Reverend should absolutely know better! and there is nothing no one can do to stop him because of the constitution & his rights. He has those rights because he is an American, uphold your American values Mr Jones! If any as 1 American in the world gets killed because of retaliation I hope he knows that life will be on his head, that was his wrongdoing to provoke unnecessary violence against the Americans especially our troops. Yes we are all tired of some Muslims & their radical acts which they do in the name of their holy book but that is why we have our troops out there fighting for us, for him! If he goes through with his ridiculous plans he is no better than the terrorists & should be exiled & stripped of his US citizenship because he does not represent or uphold what a true American is. Peace & Love.

IF THE PASTOR DECIDES TO GO THROUGH WITH HIS PLANS, PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR OUR TROOPS & ALL AMERICANS AROUND THE GLOBE.

they grow like weeds!! lol

If you want proof of how life & time flies just have kids! they grow everyday & one minute you're screaming your head off in the delivery room next thing you know they're full grown chubbers learning to sit & babble away in their jibberish which eventually morphs into English in due time. I'm a 22yr old & I already have 2 kids! :) I don't judge age on anything (unless of course you're a minor, like way below 16..I dunno that's a bit too young) but sometimes there comes a point where you just stop & look around & just think like "what in the world just happened?!!" wasn't I just poppin bottles in the clubs (under aged yea yea so..it was in Fiji!) now I'm poppin baby bottles! lol no matter what other's may think or say, I'm very happy with my youth years gone past, I'm content with staying at home on the weekends just chilling with my girls maybe once in a blue moon I'll have a lil drink here & there, nothing too crazy, I'm pretty much pledged to being a moma now, I mean just because your kids are growing & its more about them, I always try to think about me sometimes..maybe I'll go get a new dress for when the hubby eventually wants to go out with me..who knows..all I know is everyday I get to witness the miracle (& headache) of raising children, all the funny,sad,happy,angry times & finally understand what my parents (& every other parent) went through back in the day! G'nite! Peace & Love...

If you're ever missing me just listen to this song

September looks gone already!

So this month, we have a lot of things already planned out for us..this week we have the balloon classic in Colorado springs, which I'm definitely taking mady to go see especially the balloon glo. Next week I wanna take my mother in law up to pikes peak while we have the rental car & in the weekend we are going up to Denver then jetting off to the bay area!!! 3 weeks of sightseeing, going to meet my husbands uncle who is coming in from Canada to see his sister (my mom in law) & I also have to fill in some hours for my cousin, doing nanny work, while she is on vacay (ka ching!) then we farewell my mom in law as she heads back to the islands & we also have a birthday party to attend while in Cali & by then Sept will be over & in early October I board a plane for the first time ever alone with the girls (so looking forward to that..not) I for one HATE travelling, and just the thought of going through with a toddler & an infant, I'm dying already lol..then we'll get home and I'll be ready to kick start schedules for the girls, start off with my weight loss (which I will create a page on this blog to document my weight loss journey!) & get ready for a cold winter (ugh) and I also want a bedroom makeover! (and hopefully do the same with madys room) I'm also still counting down to when the hubby gets to come home for R&R, which will be next year (quite a while to go) but at least gives me time to loose the weight b4 he gets back ;) ..coz god knows I NEED the time lmao..oh & Halloween! Melody's first ever Halloween! I'm thinking of throwing a little Halloween party for the girls & invite the neighbours kids..oh Toys R Us have the cutest costumes for babies! & I've always wanted to make the punch with the dry ice to have that smoking effect! yeah I'll just invite the kids over to have fruit punch that's smoking lol..we'll see. I'm trying to keep myself busy..I have to, otherwise I will loose my insanity (I HAVE TREMENDOUS RESPECT FOR SINGLE PARENTS!) as an army wife with kids, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, feel like we're single moms & dads. Having a life while you're married but separated geographically is not the easiest thing to do, hey we survive & make it but it never gets easier no matter how many times they have to leave..I think that's why they came up with that slogan "ARMY STRONG" because if you are not..well then the army life is not for you. Peace & Love!

What would you do if Army Officers in class As came knockin?

As an army wife of a deployed soldier in a very violent country, I must expect the worst. Even though deep in my heart I don't believe anything will happen to him, the logical side of me tells me I must not picture fields of sunflowers & sunshine all the time. I remember once before DH deployed to Iraq in 08, we were talking about the possibilities of death..I asked him how he would make his presence known in the afterlife, he said he would blow gently into my ear every time he was near..I smiled..it was a bit comforting to know he would always be around even if he left, although I did warn him if he ever tried to haunt me or the girls in a scary way I'd exorcist him back to Iraq lol of course he made it home from Iraq..now he's in Afghanistan. Lately the news concerning the casualties of the men KIA is unsettling with me. I don't even know how to handle all of this. I remember a friend asking another army wife what she would do if the men in class A's showed up at her door? she said she would run. I remember seeing all the sad tribute videos on youtube, heartfelt songs along with heart breaking pictures of widows & kids..I wonder..will that be me? what would I do if I saw men in class A's walking up to my door? he always said to expect the worst & hope for the best..it's way easier said than done. I remember thinking if he ever left me & the girls I would never forgive him, he knows he has a family to take care of..but as a soldier, they all do. Every soldier fallen had someone to come back to, they all had stuff to take care of, in a time of war nothing is certain not even life. So what would I do if an officer came up to my doorstep? I hope I never find out. G'nite..Peace & Love

potty training success = proud mama!

my lil mady finally is potty trained, 3rd day today & so far no accidents today!!! (the first day she had 3, one in the post office..oops) so i baked her a potty cake lol with all her faves chocolate & sprinkles!! so proud of her, wish her daddy could have seen her. (oh & melody got her first ever sunglasses! $1 from target cool dude!) :) peace & love.

life decisions over the phone!

having your partner away makes it hard to plan together, having them away for a whole year, thats another story. this year 2010 in Nov was suppose to be our last as a military family, but my husband extended another year so that he could join his unit as they deploy to afghan, he had been training with them so what the hell then, we're still faced with the decision whether to stay in or leave, i know for a fact he's tired of the army life, being away from his kids for a long time & he isnt the only one, I too have had it with him being away all the time & feeling like I'm a single parent & having him gone almost all our married life..its just not for us. the one thing i absolutely hate is that we have to make these decisions & plans over the phone whenever he can get time to, i think these decisions need to be face to face & more personal than a phone call..but military families have been doing this for decades if not centuries! the army has been good with providing us with healthcare & other benefits but at some point we have to realise the army isnt the only one that can provide & that our family will always comes first & that means growing, living, learning & building together. yeah i'll admit there are times when im thankful he's a thousand miles away from me but that doesnt compare to the days I dont or the days when mady wants to see her daddy. once we get out, I expect its going to be a struggle but Im hopeful we will get through & look back at our military days as an experience that taught us the value of love, life & the strength of a family

when fear takes over

..just read an article about a soldier from Ft Carson killed in Afghanistan 2 days ago & he was deployed for less than a month! every time i hear or read about someone dying out there, I always question, why? ..my religious beliefs always tell me never to question gods plan..but my human side tells me, try to find answers! this kind of news hits very close to home because i fear for the life of my husband over there, and it just makes me realise anything can happen to anyone at any time..and I'm not ready for that to happen to us, i don't think anyone is ever ready. you know sometimes i pray & i hope, just let there be peace, please god help us all live in peace, enough with the bloodshed..I hurt for the families who lost their loved ones, esp for the kids, yes your daddy/mummy died fighting but I don't think that it makes it any better because truth of the matter is that they're gone. It hurts every time I think that my girls could loose their daddy, its not fair for them..its not fair for me, that's why when I hear about a soldier dying, i don't pray, I beg & plead, dear lord not him, not now, not ever. we still need him & every morning when I get a call or email from mark I know god has heard me. Peace & Love..please.

"smile whats the use in crying" Glee

wow 4weeks ago my soldier left, 11 left now! :) been a crazy 4wks but we're still here surviving, that's the most important thing, one can imagine the stress & shit you have to deal with during deployments..I don't really wanna get into it tho..all i can say is we've passed the 1 day mark, the 1 week mark now its the 1 month mark..times a rollin, it'll be a while til we get to the 1 yr mark but for sure we're getting there! ..btw i just changed my playlist to a bunch of GLEE songs..i LOVE that show! I wish they sang at my wedding (wait what wedding lol) been a bit behind with this season but I'm looking forward to catching up..some of the things that keeps me smiling. I was talking to him a bit earlier on, getting another box ready to be sent, this time full of hygiene stuff, lotion, shower gel, toothpaste, foot powder etc etc, next week then I will send another of his fave snacks..hopefully it'll last cause we will be going to Cali & wont be back till early Oct..btw i HATE flying! can someone invent teleportation already?!! esp with 2 kids! fml! lol but it'll be nice to see the bay again altho I'm one of those people who loves their own bed, I can be away then I'll be desperately wanting to sleep in my bed in my home & not living out of a suitcase..I'm sure a lot of people feel that way..anyways I'm getting carried away dancing to my playlist I cant keep my thoughts focused to write this blog entry,,guess I gotta leave it at that then, happy dancing bloggers. Peace & Love!

that damn show!!!

..just a quick note, as i had left off in the previous entry..the husband did come around, everythings back to where it was..not perfect but not horrible. like they say love prevails (or was it goodness prevails..ahh whatever same difference)

...so anyway, that dam show, ARMY WIVES!!! tonight was the season finale, I'll admit I'm not the army wife that follows that show & have coffee the next morning with the other wives talking about 'OMG did u see what he did' etc etc etc..I've probably watched only 3 or 4 episodes & am completely clueless when I'm asked about it & sometimes i get that raised eyebrow look like 'how can u NOT watch that show?!!'..ahh simple i am an army wife, do you like watching portrayals of what your life is about..maybe i should love myself more? lol but since I don't want to be behind the crowd, I did ask another wife for her DVDs of the previous seasons, she has em all! no surprise lol ..i know I'm not the only one they're all out there!..so why i don't like watching the show? because its dam painful, i mean civilian wives can watch & be like 'aww that's so sad' I'll watch & be like 'WTF my husband needs to come back!!!" its just painful to watch the what ifs & what wills esp when my husband is actually deployed..you know the scenes they play makes u think 'shit that better not happen to me! and it brings out all these emotions as if what happens on TV will happen to you..& I think about the wives & families who lost their loved ones that has to take a huge toll on them, i know it would on myself..but they do have those awesome scenes like homecoming or being saved from the bad guys that makes you want to jump & shout 'HOOAH!' even that brings tears because then we think..hey in a couple of months that's going to be me & my kids welcoming back our soldier..and unless you've had a loved one deployed there is no words to describe the feeling of that day, its like the best orgasm EVER! (that literally happens too a bit later on, wink! wink!) lol ..don't get me wrong, I am not hating on that show, I know once i start watching them from the beginning, I'll be a yellow ribbon wearing flag waving army wife by the end of it lol, they just portray a lot of scenes so many of us can relate to it brings out a lot of emotion, a lot of sadness, a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety & of course a lot of hope & happiness! Peace & Love!

changes

couple of days have been ROUGH! you have no idea..yesterday i was taken to the hospital (my first ever ride in an ambulance) for major bleeding! it was horrible, it really looked like a scene out of a horror movie..i had started bleeding heavily at home so i called my friend over to take me to the hospital, by the time she arrived i was passed out & unconscious. so she calls 911, the medics arrive & rush me to the ER, after almost 8hrs there i finally learn I had been 12wks pregnant & I just had a miscarriage (WHAT!!!) first of all 12weeks! i should have known rite? but i was on the depo shot so I had no idea that could ever happen to me, i mean they say all birth control is never 100% but u never expect to be part of the 2% or whatever that gets pregnant on it..I was just shocked, I cant even explain or start to, I wouldnt know what to say..how was i going to tell the husband..well he eventually found out & hes pretty pissed..so right now we're on the verge if not on already to a divorce. The one person I expected sympathy & support from was blaming me for the death saying I killed the baby or fetus & everything is my fault..I cant even comprehend what kind of person would even say that to another person, Im glad the doctor got to me before he did, I just had a baby in April, my body was not ready for another one so soon & unfortunately the pregnancy didnt develop properly thus resulting in the miscarriage. I do believe this was not my fault, despite my husband saying it was..he wasn't here he did not see the pain & stress I went through & all he could do was blame me. Right now i believe he's anger is getting the best of him, it always does, he doesnt think straight, does irrational stuff & of course plans to leave me..at this moment that i something he has to deal with..I've had so much on my plate that I cant even think straight, i need to allow myself to regroup & possibly figure out the next step in my life, i have major changes coming my way & i need all the strength & help i can get to walk away when all is done, so many people have told me its going to be hard esp since there is children involved so im trying very hard to gather up my strength to face whatever the future holds for me & my girls. goodnite world. peace & love (always ..no matter what)

daddy dolls

I came across a friend on twitter whose husband also deployed, she just got her son a "daddy doll" i was thinkin this is a great idea! so far every ph call from mark, mady refuses to talk to him, makes me want to cry becoz i know she really misses him & shes trying to let him know shes upset by not wanting to talk to him. last deployment she was too young so it was easier, now she realises he's gone & its been a while since shes seen him & well the phone calls wont do it for her. I can't wait till he comes back for r&r, just so that she can see him again, even if only for a while, sometimes he skypes but shes just too busy being a kid she hardly comes on to say hi, she might just say bye & wander off again. i keep thinkin shes trying to punish him but in reality shes just being a kid, he hasnt been home to give her any attention or anything so shes doing the same to him. i hope she doesnt think its normal that daddys gone, i hope somewhere in her little head shes thinking about when he will be back & I hope that she, just like me, is looking forward to that day, its a long road ahead but we're gonna get through it, we always do. anyways back to the daddy dolls, its basically like a pillow with a picture of their daddy on the front, ive seen so many pics on the website of kids holding daddy dolls & almost all of them are military families. the dolls run around $24 for the standard 12" size doll. im going to ask mark to send me a pic asap so i can get one for mady, im sure she will be thrilled to have a daddy doll! hopefuly it will give her a sense of security & just the feeling that her daddy still loves her A LOT & he misses her. hopefuly it makes her feel a bit closer to her daddy even though he is miles away & to let her know even if he's away he will always be with her no matter what. goodnite blogworld, Peace & Love!

daddy dolls here ---> http://www.hugahero.com

tea anyone?

...so I was just browsing the net, one site led to another then to another until I came upon these delicious coconut choc chip muffins..I just had to make them! so like a crazy pregnant lady with cravings (which i am not fyi) i came down brought out all the ingredients (which i suprisingly had) & whipped up a batch! now im enjoyin the fruits of my labor..but i have to say it needs to be paired with milk or tea coz after u eat them my tongue feels a bit dry..or maybe because its been hot as hell and i havent been hydrating..ahh either way, you have to try these one day! Peace & Love!

RECIPE : http://coconutlime.blogspot.com/2007/04/chocolate-chip-coconut-cupcakes.html

the lazy blogger

thats me! i have in the past made a couple of blogs & ended up being too lazy to blog even tho once in a while id have something i'd really like to share but the thought of signing in & clickin on all these buttons & links etc, etc jus makes it easier to say..ahh no maybe next time. so far well ive had more blog entries than i ever had, & im suprised im bloggin rite now lol in a nutshell since my last entry, we've been hangin out at home, went to my first FRG meeting, i have a cold, my nose has been running like a river, girls are doing great, me & the husband not so much, i finally figured how to dwnload videos onto the ipod from youtube, yay me, been working on debt consolidation letters, ...uhh..wat else...gosh cant think of anything rite now, oh yea im back to green tea yeehaw! lol basically we've been just living our lives! i can't wait to get an elliptical so i can start workin out at home, since i also cancelled our gym membership coz we werent using it anyway & well $ doesnt grow on trees esp for us..but im hoping to find a decent working one on craigslist..exercise has always made me feel better, i get so much more energy, i sleep better i wake up better..well everythings better, plus when the snow season starts theres no way im goin out of the house, i frikin hate the snow! anyways im gonna hit the sack now, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Peace & Love.

the 'f' word

..Finance!!! doh! lol. Im going to tell you guys straight up, I don't think for one second the military pays their servicemen & women enough! They send them to go do dangerous work without the promise of making it back alive & they pay them dogsballs for it! Yeah yeah they provide healthcare & other services for free but they should! Its not like my ranting about it will do anything, I know that much, but Im just sayin for the love of higher beings pay them their dues, no amount of free healthcare & stuff can account for the years sacrificed away from their family or missing out on important life milestones or even worse coming back in a box to a devastated widow, unborn child & fatherless children! Im sitting right now trying to work out a budget & at least find a way to save money this deployment. Dealing with finance just makes my head frikin sore like I start to get high blood pressure & stressed & probably just want to strangle whoever came up with this whole american credit score system (yes FUCK YOU credit report inventor! Your fuckin system is so frikin unfair & just ridiculous!) I wont get into much details but all I can say is that its so easy for someone to steal your identity & ruin your credit in a day but it takes forever to try and clean it up, even when you're innocent like WTF! but that is our goal this deployment, clean it up, fuck with the creditors for once & start building again..soooo ready to start new & fresh! and just a lil advice to anyone just starting out..take care of your finance, coz it'll mess u up bad once it gets the chance, and for the others who have already gone down the path..dont give up, take it slowly, & give them hell!!!! yezzir! Peace & Love ya'll!

MilSpouse Friday fill in #6!

I was browsing through a couple of military wife blogs & came across this one @ http://wifeofasailor.com/ She basically puts up 5 questions & then other mil spouses can fill em up on their blogs so they can learn more about each other! sounds fun!

1. What is your spouse's best feature? Uhhh, I like his face! :)
2. Mild, Medium or Hot sauce? medium depending on my mood, usually i'd go without any..I dont even use sauce..wait what does ketchup go under? lol
3. What is the worst uniform you had to wear for a job? none so far, my only job I had I was a nanny & I wore jeans & T-shirts, best job ever!
4. You have invisible powers..where is the first place you would go? good one! If I had invisiblity powers, right now Id go to where my husband is at, I just wanna see him again (& not get in trouble with Uncle Sam)
5. What's left on your "To do list" for this summer? ohhh mannn! I tell you what's left on my "to do list" too much! :P

(hehehe lookin forward to the nxt friday fil in!)

Madyson is 3!!!

My lil pumpkin isn't little anymore :( she's not my infant, or toddler now she's a lil girl, our big lil girl. It sometimes is sad to see them grow sooo fast right before your eyes it just makes you think, where did the time go to? so much has happened in between those 3 yrs, so many memories made. this morning i was watching old videos on youtube from when mady was a few months old, just a lil baby cooing away, then her first steps then her playing, etc..Im so glad I got those on video & thank god for youtube!!! mady was watchin with me & the ones of her as a baby she kept saying that it was melody lol I look at her now & shes just so big! she talks to me, sometimes we have conversations about how she looks or how something works & of course the funny ones of her just being very diva-ish & talkin back & tryin to get her own way..you know I think even though shes growing up fast & shes doing a lot more, there still is a whole lot more of her life left to learn with her, make more memories with her & help her grow, thats the fun part I guess, anticipating how this lil girl will do in the big world, whether we did everything we could as parents to make sure she lives a better future & a happy one. Because at the end of the day, even if we won the lottery or got evicted out into the streets, just making sure we made our kids happy will in return probably be the most satisfying feeling you can have as a parent. Happy Birthday my pumpkin, you brought so much joy into our lives & for every time you make us smile & laugh! love you always moma & daddy! (& mel!)

Peace & Love!

he called!

got our first phone call from mark! yay! :) tho he had to call 3 times cause apparently our phone calls were getting intercepted or some shit like that, so he couldn't tell me much over the phone except that he's doing ok so far, trying to stay away from the *PX so he wouldn't spend so much on stupid stuff & that the place smells like shit (so far all our conversations since he's been there, the smell has been mentioned every single time, so, Im assuming the smell is def a huge issue!) they will be leaving tho, I don't know when or where but they will. It was really nice to hear from him, anytime he is away it's always nice to hear from him, even if it's for 5 mins. You know sometimes I just want to let everyone know whats going on, what he's doin but I'm afraid some army swat team might just bust into the house & take me to jail for *OPSEC stuff, I sometimes wonder if I should say his name! lol, No, I don't know anything that would get me in trouble for just knowing, my husband doesn't tell & I'm glad he doesn't..I mean hello! Wikileaks scandal! hahaha..(its not funny tho, that army *SPC who leaked out all those military files should be on death row! how dare he put our soldiers & their allies at risk!) ...sheesh anywaysss...I'm goin to bed. lol.
Peace & Love!!

*PX : Post Exchange - military mall, you can find almost everything there, salon, barbershop, food court, clothing, household, electronics, etc, etc, etc,..all tax free!

*OPSEC : Operations Security - critical info that may be useful to the enemy..so keep your trap shut or Uncle Sam will be very mad with you!

*SPC : Specialist - Enlisted soldiers rank in the army, E-4, the last bitch rank before or if you become an NCO (Non Commissioned Officer)

Its been 1 week!

1 week ago, we were on post saying goodbye to him, and it seems like he's been gone FO-EVAH! but we've been surviving (both us & him) I can tell you he's finally in Afghan, not exactly where they are supposed to be based at but they're in the country, and so far he's said Afghan smells like shit! lol like literally smells like shit! poor guy ay. He hasn't kept in touch much since he arrived there, their internet is terribly slow & they're only given 30mins so with all that we hardly get to talk or skype at all but its ok though, as long as I know he is alive & kickin that's enough for me & my girls. Myself & the girls have been tryin to keep busy, today we spent the whole afternoon at Itz buffet & game place, kids had a blast & we stuffed ourselves up gooood! lol..& if you're a regular visitor 2 my blog you will notice little changes here & there & I hope you're jammin out to my playlist! Flo-ridas song 'club cant handle me' totally reminds me of mark, not in a sad way, it make me smile cause as soon as I hear it, I automatically picture him fist pumping & dancing away! lol I also have a friend whose husband also deployed with mark & we've been doing a lot of activities together with the kids & it really is nice to have someone else in the same situation this time around, it's def easier to talk to them about deployment & army stuff esp when you don't have to explain army lingo plus the kids have playdates! I'm just thinking ok, that's 1 wk down, 51 left, is that a lot? It doesn't look like but I know it feels like! some wives I heard count by paydays, but that doubles the numbers so no thanks I'll stick to 51 wks or 11.something months! anyways today was fun for the kids, Mady randomnly asks for her dad, & usually answers her own question by sayin 'Daddys gone now'..it really is heartbreaking but to see her face when he comes home! PRICELESS!

Peace & Love!!

random thoughts right now

• I hate 5 min chats on FB! Damnit give him more net time!
• Theres children's story books in my pillows
• I need to go to the dollar shop asap..tomorrow
• Im full but I've been thinking about those oreos downstairs
• Im not gonna eat them..its 11.14pm anyway
• I still hate having 5min chats on FB
• ahh fuck this I'm goin to bed

Peace & Love!

how the army helps (the way I see it)

I find that after soldiers deploy theres this humongous cloud of depresion hanging around especially on post, on FB, on blogs, on tweets etc etc etc. I can totally understand why people feel that way, their loved ones are away & not for a day but a whole year!! so I'm not gonna judge the people who think their lives suck or have fallen apart once their spouse leaves, everyone needs time to adjust, everyone needs time to sulk & basically just be sad..so power to you, sad-my-life-sucks-i'm-gonna-die person!..but eventually days go by & we get over it, just human nature because eventually we'll know there's nothing we can do about it, so goddam hand me the lemons I'll make you the best lemonade ever!!! HA! take that deployment! The army has all these different organizations that organise all these family activities to keep people busy. Just last nite we went to the annual dinner & a movie nite on post, it was packed! they serve dinner (pasta with meat, salad, ice cream & juice) then everyone sits on the floor with blankets, pillows & watch a movie (last nite was tooth fairy) then we all go home & hey another day gone! next week theres a sesame st concert coming, performing free to military bases all over the world (kudos 2 u S.St) I mean who else better to put a smile on a kids face than Elmo!! & they have other numerous functions every other day that I pretend I'm too busy to attend lol but the point is when the soldiers away, they don't forget the support system waiting back home. We, the wives get these emails from these ladies ( I heard its like an army wife cult!!! lmao no i bluff) well if you watch the show 'Army wives' you probably know about the *FRG. So they email all this info to you, once in a while hold meetings where you can go meet them & i dunno do the whole army wife thing (honestly I just joined before the deployment because they get all the info n our husbands out there!)..and then theres all the free counselling from personal issues to finance to legal & of course what would we do without healthcare! Theres probably so many other ways they help or try to help out the families during deployments, those are the ones i can think of right now, besides its my 3rd year of being an army wife & I STILL don't know how the army works! lol For whatever reason I am grateful, I don't have to sit all day in the house (all the time) and stare at the walls & proclaim the suckiness of my life. I can go look up an upcoming event, take my girls out, watch them smile, scream a little bit for mady to stop running everywhere & come back home thinking, hey! we did something today, its not so bad after all. I still miss my husband though, no matter what we're doing, I'm still counting down to homecoming. Peace & Love!

*FRG - Family Readiness Group..(uhh the army wives club?) every battery has their own FRG, theres an FRG leader, who is usually one of the top ranking officers wife in the battery. Its kinda like a support group for the wives, well at least thats how i see it.

prayers

Dear Lord

give me the strength to say goodbye

hold back the tears in my eye

cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone

give me a reason to awake when i've none

Dear Lord

please help me pace myself

allow me to turn to you for help

and please let me be strong for him

even if i've reached the brim

Dear Lord

please let time go fast

I dont know how long I can last

this is the hardest time of my life

but this is my job; the soldiers wife

Dear Lord

let them all stay strong

give them the will to go on

and Lord, please bring back all our men

in the name of our country

Amen

By ; Leanne Thomas

he's on his way!!

on our way back home in the car, after saying our final goodbyes, mady asks me "mummy are u cry?" I replied "yes, mady I'm sad" & she says "haha, you not sad, you happy mummy!" I had to smile because my daughter was trying to cheer me up, even though she doesn't really understand that we didn't drop mark off for a day, he'd be gone for a long time..maybe eventually as the days go by she might start to wonder where her daddy is, but last night she just said goodbye to him like she was goin to see him later..hey, shes a kid, what'ya expect ay! lol I got a call from him this morning, they're still in the country but on the other side just waiting to finally leave. last nite I slept with my 2 girls on the bed so I had a lot to cuddle & didnt feel so lonely but his absense is still noticeable, unbearingly noticeable. But this is good, we're getting this over with, soon 1 day will pass, then 1 week, then a month & in no time I'll be writing a blog entry that says "he's back!!!" In a way I think getting excited & anxious for his return is what keeps me from getting too upset, even though its just the first day, its one day down! I believe thats the secret to surviving deployments, always be positive! Some unlucky families lost their loved ones out there and i'm not saying they weren't being positive or anything, you know shit happens unfortunately but I have this gut feeling that he's going to make it! I know God has more plans for him, some things you just know! peace & love!

D Day! (or so we thought)

Well this morning, we're all helping mark pack & just laze around before he had to drop off his bags at 1545, mark had already laid out the farewell procedures (well basically he was just goin to say goodbye to the girls at home then i'll drop him off then head back home) even though I want to go to the farewell ceremony, he is right, prolonging the goodbyes will just make it harder to leave, we're just going to say quick goodbyes & leave it at that, he'll still be *conus for a while cause they travel on to the east coast before finally leavin the US, so we'll still be able to txt before he leaves, yep 143 txts & all that! lol..anyways so as soon as we got back from bagdrop his sgt txts him & as i expected they pushed back his flight. another day :) imagined if they txtd 'deployment got cancelled' hahaha that would be the day :) got a whole bunch of snacks for him, bunch of PSP stuff & a king size martha stewart pillow! I keep jokin with him that when their base gets raided, some afghani kid will have the best pillow ever! lol forget the 7 virgins these afghans rakin in the martha stewart & sony PSPs! lol so right now we're jus chillin..I am extremely thankful me & the girls get extra time to spend with mark right now, which is why I must bid you all adieu..till next time. Peace & Love.

*military lingo*

CONUS - Continental United States

OCONUS - Outside Continental United States

the day before..

actually its the nite before, im going to make this opening entry very short because i should be spending every minute with him, mady is still awake, melody gone sleepy :) & marks on his psp. very soon we'll have to say goodbye & he'll be on his journeys to where they're needed..i really will miss him, esp when we fight, I love arguing with him, he'll always be the first to calm down & make me laugh and I can always count on him for that..I can guarantee he'll piss me off and I can guarantee he'll make me smile right after, I love that about him..well heres to another year, another countdown, we're just ready to get it over with. goodnight blogosphere! peace & love.